Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
WHY would you be happy about this?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.