The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Love is always patient and kind.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I had to Stop for this
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”