Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.