Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Bed should get ready for ME
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*