cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy