Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
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Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
January is lasting longer than my marriage
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you