call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
This squirrel eats better than I do
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!