I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.