Me My dog
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…