Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.