[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
#Caturday
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.