No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.