Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
every college guy’s fridge
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌