Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.