sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
they finally got him. they got macavity
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace