[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Meow
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.