About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.