Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I feel it
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
why isn’t thunder called soundning
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED