You Might Also Like
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear