i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Happy birthday to all the women
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life