I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…