CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
*Inspirational Tweets*
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.