I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Smells like a challenge to me
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid