ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.