“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
me and who
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red