Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Breaking news:
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
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Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I need better friends
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”