My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.