I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Girl, same.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Not today. 😅
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”