things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I didn’t realize that was an option
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.