*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Lmao
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas