so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Coffee is ready.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Sheep
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH