me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
You Might Also Like
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
The Onion called it…again.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Stonehinge
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*