me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here