Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
cause of death:
autopsy.