A woman drives into a bar.
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet