my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.