The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
You Might Also Like
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
🙄😏😂🤣
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Speak now or ever hold your peace
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
This is so me 😂😂