I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?