Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
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Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Money is the root of all wealth
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.