bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
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The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.