I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I think this should do it.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA