I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
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Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Real House Wines.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I’m aging like a fine banana
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff