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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets