Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”