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ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.