I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
just leave it at the foot of the bed
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.