Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
i now pronounce you bounced.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.