Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Britain be like
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.