If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.