I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
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I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
happy mother’s day❤️
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.